The Picnic Twilight Spoof
by Llamahippomoosapus
Summary: Really really random story I wrote at midnight..... 'nuff said


**The Picnic**

Bella's old truck pulled up to the side of the road and stopped. Sense Edward was driving, the momentum of the fast and sudden stop was so great that Bella, who, like most teenagers, was not wearing her seat, fell out of the car, to be saved, once again, by Edward, who caught her with her face just inches from the pavement.

"Whoops!" Said Bella smiling and giggling.

"What's that, four million, eight hundred ninety five thousand, nine hundred and thirty six?"

"No we reached five million last week. This would have to be the five million, one hundred and twenty seventh time you've saved me." Bella corrected as Edward propped her on her feet. Bella leaned into the car and pulled out a woven basket with a checkered blanket looking exactly like a picnic basket from a child's picture book, which, in fact, was exactly what it was…. minus the child picture book part.

The two started walking down the street. Bella, being slightly bored, started throwing some rocks she found on the street in the air so that they would hit her square on the head, then watching with amusement as Edward caught every one with out any trouble. She lobed a particularly small one and Edward let it drop, considering a) his hands were full of small rocks b) he was a little curios at what would happen if it did drop.

The rock, which was not worthy of the name rock so we'll call it a pebble, clunked Bella on the head. Surprised, more at the fact that Edward didn't bother to catch it then the fact that a rock just hit her on the head, turned her head to face Edward, causing her earring to fall off her ear under a car that they were passing.

"Uh-oh!" Bella exclaimed

"No prob!" Edward lifted up the car with one hand. Bella smiled and picked up her earring, then realized she actually didn't even have her ears pierced. She tossed the earring into a nearby bush and turned to find Edward juggling three cars.

"Ta-da!" He called triumphantly. Suddenly he slipped on a banana peel and fell, the three cars pilling on top of him. Bella started laughing. Edward threw the cars off of him like they were old cabbages and joined Bella in laughter. He then piled the extremely dented cars on the side of the road. The two stared at the pile, looking much like a jumble of three cars that had just fallen on a vampire.

"Shall we run off before someone notices?" Edward asked

"Ya verily!" Bella said, grabbing the basket and jumping on Edwards back. The two dashed off just as an elderly man stepped up.

"Now," he said. "Where did I park my car?"

He then noticed the pile.

"Darn it! Not again! Darn vampires, juggling our cars! When I was a young-un I had to walk 15 miles to juggle a car!" He then went on a long boring rant about the past and the number 15 that has no relevance to our story in any way shape or form.

When the two finally stopped, they were at a meadow. As soon as she got off Edwards back, Bella started puking her guts out. Edward chuckled and walked about 20 feet away and started laying out the blanket. He sat down with the basket next to him and hummed with the sound of Bella spilling the entirety of her breakfast on the ground playing in the background.

When Bella finally joined him they started to unpack their lunch. Bella pulled out a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and some cheetos. Edward pulled out a small packet of blood. He took out a straw and jabbed a hole in the packet like it was a juice box.

"Do you think the hospital will be mad that we took that?" Bella asked as she munched her sandwich.

"Nah." Edward said "They have lots. I just hope this guy doesn't have AIDS"

The two sat eating and started asking each other questions. Having run out of ones that actually lead somewhere, they asked whatever popped into their heads.

"Would you rather have someone draw a mustache on your face with a sharpie, or be run over by a rhino?" Bella asked

"I could easily beat up a rhino so I chose that. What's your favorite kind of cookie?" Edward quizzed.

"A homemade huckle-berry nut-job. Did you have an imaginary friend when you were a kid?" Bella inquired.

"Yes, Princess Foo-Foo Pretty Nose the talking window. What is your favorite word?" Edward pried.

"Hamstring. Do you pick your nose?" Bella grilled.

"Not in public. If you had two nickels, seven dimes, four quarters, and a penny, what would you name them?" Edward interrogated. The questions rambled on, each weirder then the last.

After a while the two got bored and decided the poke each other in the face, as they did so often.

Bella then realized that she left the bathtub running at home. They started getting ready to leave.

"Would you like a ride?" Edward investigated.

"Onward ho!" Bella yelled. Suddenly three bullets came shooting towards her. Edwards caught them and flung them back into the bush where they had came from. A small "ugg" noise erupted and a terrorist fell out. The two looked at each other and laughed.

"I guess that's the five million, one hundred and twenty eight!  
Bella said. Edward chuckled again and dashed off.

They arrived at the place where they parked the truck to find an old man rambling about a lava lamp and 15 coconuts.

"Wacky old geezer." Edward whispered.

Bella nodded, trying to keep her sandwich down.

The took got in the car and drove off, going only 250 miles over the speed limit, a new low score for Edward.


End file.
